Vintage blog - original air date August, 2006

In an effort to understand where I am going, I searched my journalisitic archives to find out where I've been. This one made me chuckle so I decided that it should be the first of the vintage blog installments. ENJOY! Sooo.... My belly is full and my body is tired , the children are imposing cruel and unusual punishment on eachother and my husband took a ride so I decided to float around on the web and see if I can find a little more ignorance to amuse myself before I hit the hay and I'll be damned if I didn't find it . Oh boy , what a doozy.... I love to search websites that list weird and crazy news stories.I suppose because I am a little crazy and weird and sometimes reading about other people's idiocy makes me feel a little less nutty . ( Oh Come on, let me sit atop my condescention cloud for a minute..) Well , this is probably going to make me sound not only morbid but also cold-hearted , but just bear with me will ya? ( You obviously aren't doing anything else anyway..) Picture it , a headline that reads 'inmate commits suicide with toilet paper' I know , I know ... What the fuck , right? Okay , you would just know that this completly ignorant being was from the little town that I call home. AHHHH.. Sparkle City , where the only thing that sparkles is the reflection off of the appliances at the county dump. Home of the most unecessary road construction in the free world. Where the guinea hens run the streets of the trailer park and your cousin is your lover. And now we are not only the most featured town on the ' World's dumbest criminals and police chases' We are the home of the dumbest form of sucide EVER.... The guy was locked up for lewd act on a minor. Good job to my only slightly over weight friends at the county sheriff's office. If he grabbing little girls boobies , a jail cell is where he belongs. Well , apparently he was trouble from the start because only two days after his arrest , someone fell asleep during their shift of the suicide watch and the fool stuffed toilet paper into his own nose and throat until he suffocated and died... HE DIIIEED.. How long do you think this process took? How much effort and thought did he put into this master plan? Had the toilet paper been previously used? Okay , so they've taken away weight- lifting priveledges , shoe laces , belts , steak knives ( which you don't really need a knife to eat a bologna sandwich anyway) and God knows what else away from these nincompoops to keep them from hurting themselves ( which if you think about it , would probably lessen the overcrowding issue if they 'd just give it all back to them ) And now they aren't even going to be able to wipe their own asses. I read an article once about a primitive tribe that only ate using their right hands because they wiped their hineys with the other ( I swear , might of gotten the hands switched but you get the point. ) I suppose this will become the norm out there on California Avenue too. ( Good thing you only need one hand to hold those sandwiches ..) Alright , alright .. I'm done with this now.. It was just too sad and wayyy too stupid to let go without saying something. Don't judge me, monkey... (DISCLAIMER: No husbands were injured during the making of this blog . Even though mine choked on a cheese nip and almost died laughing..)