It's been a WHOLE YEAR since I posted a blog???

Have I been under a rock?? No, but I have been under the effects of some heavy-duty hallucinogenic drugs..Just kidding. I have been more than a little preoccupied, however,but thanks to a day of boredom that led me to stumbling upon a wonderfully quirky little blog written by a kick-ass gal named Allie, I am now inspired to return and twist your minds once again! Muahahahaha! So, I apolgize to the new-comers that may be confused as they read back and find HUGE gaps in the postings, but I did a little house-keeping while I was here to weed out things that were just not as entertaining as I thought they were at the time. Forgive me. I promise to do better.

Now, let's get back on track..Today's theme is "looking better by comparison"

I would just like to thank all of you crazy people that force yourselves to stay attached to even crazier life-partners that make you insane and your life miserable. Scratch that, the Lug-Nut would like to thank you. I would like to smack the shit out of you for a number of reasons. The obvious aside, I can no longer stay mad at my husband for more than 10 seconds.

I have always had difficulty with this, but I used to be good for at least a day or two before forgiving him of his annoying little discretions. The spike in my rage-inducing hormones was good for me, I think. Plus, ya know.. the making up part is always a treat but now, NOW all I can do is wrinkle up my forehead and search for a name or two to hurl at him for being so dumb and I can't. Why? you ask.. Because he is none of the following things : 1. a drug addict, 2. a habitual gambler, 3. a psychopath , 4. an abusive hill-billy, 5. an emotionally absent hill-billy, 6. a controlling, manipulative habitual liar, 7. a dead-beat with no job prospects or ambition 8. a grown man without a driver's license, 9. a hoarder, an obsessive compulsive, a manic-depressive or a recluse or, 10. a completely ambivalent man-child with no sense of responsibility, personality or self-worth.

So basically, all the Lug-Nut has to do is stand there and be a Lug-Nut and he looks like a goddamn bronze statue of manhood. He's like the girl who calls up all of her ugly friends to go out on the town with her so she can feel better about herself. But it's not as though he even does this on purpose. Because of Facebook and everyone on God's green earth that insists on displaying not only written but photographic proof of their relationship disparity, he has earned his Master's in Husbandry.

He would probably like to think that he at least deserves some recognition for his own efforts but, I'm gonna just keep this train going for now..

Because he is not any of the above mentioned things, he now gets away with the following things with very,very little recourse.. 1.being extremely vague about what he wants to eat, where he wants to go, or what he wants to do at any given moment. I am required to decipher his man-language of passivity and obtuseness and figure our what is actually going to take place and when. Before these past few months, this would have warranted me shouting "FOR GODSSAKE, MAN! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OR YOU'LL GET NOTHING!" Now, I'm just a puddle of "oh well's" and try to make do.
2. Giving me the least amount of information or putting forth the least amount of thought or effort on any given subject." Example:

Lug-Nut : "Your phone rang"
Me : "Who was it?"
Lug-Nut : "I don't know but it rang a lot."
Me: "So, why didn't you answer it? It's right beside you?"
Lug-Nut : (indiscernable grunt) It's ringing again, I think it's the same number.."
Me: "So, answer it! My hands are full!"
Lug-Nut : " eh,They'll call back..."

3. Not remembering anything that I tell him for more than five minutes after it comes out of my mouth.
4. Not answering the phone when I am calling him because I really need something and not listening to his voicemail to find out that I really needed something.
or finally
5. Forcing me to threaten to do things (such as weed the yard) by myself in order to make his puffy chest grow and take the weed-eater,or whatever, out of my delicate female hands.

SIGH...

So, in closing , a plea for you ladies out there in Facebook-Land..If you insist on staying with these guys, for goddsake , stop complaining about it on the internet so I can go back to temporarily hating my husband for peeing off the back porch. I haven't had make-up sex in ages..

Thank you.