As most of you have realized by now, my husband is a dork. He's also sort of a redneck.. a "good ole boy" , if you will. He loves NASCAR, or any type of racing for that matter, he wears a baseball cap at all times and he drives a pick-up truck. His nick name is Lug-Nut, for goodness sake , so if you have any brains at all, this should have at least drawn you a crude sketch of his personality. This is not to say that Lug-Nut subscribes to any of the bad stereotypes that come along with this sub-culture. He is anything but ignorant or racist. The Lug-Nut is actually rather well-read and open minded for someone who was raised in a trailer park.
For the record, we do not live in a trailer park, so this very fact should draw you to the conclusion that Lug-Nut desires more for his family than what he knew as a child. I think that the sweetest thing that he ever said to me had to do with his desire to give me a good home to call my own because I never truly had one growing up. But that is a tangent for another blog and I'm too drunk to go there right now.
As a side note, you are welcome for this- my first drunk blog in a very, very long time. I do apologize in advance for the typos.
This blog is not really about me being married to a Redneck but it is about my Redneck's wonderful way with words. I have never been sure if his diction is a wonderfully hilarious accident or if he does this on purpose. I kind of hope I never find out. It is a little difficult to explain what I mean ( especially when I'm this lit) so I'll just give you a few examples and hopefully you will find it as humorous as I do. And if you don't, well.. it will just be another testament to why I married him and you didn't..So there ya go, and here it goes..
Me : So, did you pick up on Binyah's kid's recent Facebook posts? She's found religion and shit.
Lug-Nut : So, is she one of those "Jesus-Beaters" now?
Me : I think the term you are looking for is "bible-beater".
Lug-Nut : Is it? Oh yeah, I guess the Jesus beaters are another group...
Lug-Nut : ( while watching a completely fucked up episode of Nip/Tuck, oh.. how we love that show..) I bet he's gonna come out all naked, because , you know.. he's one of those "prostidudes"
Me: I'm guessing that this would be a dude that prostitutes?
Lug-Nut : Well, duh.. what else would it be?
ON OUR FIRST DATE
Lug-Nut : ( at the movies ) So, do you want some cock-porn?
Me : I'm sorry, what?
Lug-Nut : you know..the , umm.. corny stuff that explodes when it's exposed to heat?
Me: POPCORN???
Lug-Nut : Is this your first time at the movies? Because, I'm pretty sure that this is a common, across the board kind of movie theater snack..
Me : (rolling in laughter) Have you ever heard of a Freudian slip and,on that note, have you ever considered that you might be gay?
Lug-Nut : I love the way you talk..You kill me..really, I'm just gonna get this cock-porn and we'll go inside...
I started writing this blog because another gem had popped out of his mouth as we were eating dinner, I really should've started with that one because now I can't remember what it was..
I'll be back after a few more shots, I feel like testing out this "total drunken recall" theory..
Oh yeah, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY Y'ALL! God bless Amerrrrrca!..There's no "I" in our country when we're really fired up about something..
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